khristopher.com

Well a few weeks ago my dad started falling a lot. He has really bad arthritis in his legs, and it seemed that it was finally getting to a really bad point that he couldn’t hold himself up. Of course if he’d stop eating so much as he has been told time and time again by doctors and family, he’d not have to hold so much weight up. He’s extremely stubborn so he’s never listened or followed instructions given to him after he’s had heart attacks. It’s stressful on family, in particular those who live with him.

Anyway, one night he fell in the middle of the night, and I was still awake. So I got up to see what happened, because I wasn’t sure if that is what happened. Sure enough, he was on the floor near the kitchen trying to get up. I yelled out to my mom that he fell and went back in my room. She asked me to help him up, but I refused. I will not be a nurse for my parents. I can’t do it. It just hurts too much to sit and watch this happen, but then to have to help when it’s happening. This probably makes me sound selfish, but I just can’t handle it for some reason. I don’t have what it takes to deal with watching people in pain and helping them. I don’t know if it’s just family or what. My dad and I have never been close however. I’ve never really felt that he’s cared about me. He’s called me many names in my life. Like the time he called me an asshole when I was only a kid. I’ll remember that for the rest of my life. I can still remember where it happened, and what was happening at the time. Anyway, my mom got him up after a bit, and I think it was the following day, he went into the hospital. I’ve had no one to talk to about this really. Only a couple people, and that was over the phone or online through Live Messenger. I have been dealing with my own health issues and I’m trying to turn those things around. I absolutely hate going in hospitals out of fear of catching some nasty virus. I didn’t even visit my dad in the hospital while he was there. Mind you he wasn’t even in there a week, but still, it’s pretty horrible of me I guess.

But this is what’s really horrible… My sister called and started bitching at me because I didn’t help my dad up when he fell. She has no idea what’s going on here at home, she lives on the other side of the country and has only been here to visit twice I believe. A couple times she was here in the area and didn’t even bother to visit, but that’s another story. So she starts raising her voice at me and making me feel like shit. I told her I can barely leave the house without having panic attacks, let alone deal with our sick father. I know it’s shitty, but what can I do? I am going through my own hell right now, and I can’t deal with other people’s problems. I have enough of my own. So I told her to fuck off and hung up on her. So I went from not talking to one sister, to now not talking to the other one. I just don’t get off how she has the right to get mad at me, when she has absolutely no clue what goes on in this house. She has no right to judge at all until she knows. She might think she knows, but she has no fucking idea.

So my dad is home now, and things are much better. Turns out it wasn’t arthritis that was causing him to fall. It was the lack of oxygen getting to his brain, which would make him get dizzy and then fall when he’d get up.

Well it’s come down to the point that I’ve gotten into fights with my mom, my sister, and my father because of all this stress over the past few weeks. I just can’t take it anymore. I’ve even thought of going into a homeless shelter, because I don’t really have any place to go. I just don’t know how much more I can take of the stress in this house. I think a lot of my anxiety issues comes from my parents. Especially my mother. She nags and stresses me out to the point that I can feel my anxiety just getting worse and worse. She doesn’t know when to let up. I called her a fucking bitch last weekend, and I feel absolutely horrible about it. I love my mom so much. It kills me that it came down to me saying that to her. That she made me that angry! I need to apologize to her for it, but she needs to seriously realize the way she’s being. I know she’s under a lot of stress too, but yelling at each other, and calling each other names is really not going to help matters.

Either way, I know I need to get the fuck out of this house. I just don’t know how or when that’s going to happen. When is something going to go right in my life? Fuck. At least most people have friends and others they can lean on for support. I have my fucking computer.

Finally after talking for over a year I finally got to meet Philip. We’ve tried a few times unsuccessfully, due to my anxiety issues.

I met him at Square One, where I needed to exchange a couple of things from Khristmas, and he bought a few things as well. I was not feeling well when I woke up, but it went away. I was a bit worried about my anxiety issues at the mall meeting a new person, and the fact that the mall was insanely busy, but I was okay for the most part.

I had to exchange my jeans my mom got me for Khristmas as they were one size too big. I asked the guy in Urban Behavior if they had anymore of the same style, and he said they were all sold out. I told him that I don’t shop at that store, and he said he could give me a store credit or exchange. He just happened to go look at the spot where the jeans were, and low and behold there was a size 30, which just happened to be the size I needed. Good thing he looked, and good thing I had luck on my side yesterday. I also found this really nice shirt there, despite the fact that I don’t shop there. It was $30 but on sale 50% off. It’s 50% polyester and 50% wool, so I need to wear a wifebeater or t-shirt under it, but it looks good on me.

From the mall we headed to Blockbuster to rent a movie that I told him he needs to see. We rented Haute Tension (High Tension in English), I just love that movie. We ordered Chinese from Ho Lee Chow, which was okay, but not that great. I tried Orange Beef for the first time. It felt like I was eating some sort of cleaning product, so needless to say I’m not a fan. The Lemon Chicken was awesome, and so was the Chicken Fried Rice. The Sweet & Sour Sauce that came with the Fried Won Tons was gross. Too much vinegar. The food is definitely overpriced for the quality, so I really don’t plan on going back there for food again. Before dinner Philip gave me and Snoopy some Khristmas presents, which I thought was so nice. Snoopy got a little plush mouse, which he absolutely loves and runs all over the house with. He also got some all natural Chicken treats, which he didn’t like when I gave him one, but he seems to love them now. Such a fussy cat sometimes, just like his owner! Philip got me a couple of the Mr. Men t-shirts that I love, some more incense which is my new fascination, and some more chocolate and candy. Philip and I have that in common, we both have a sweet tooth.

After the movie we played some Mario Party on Gamecube. He brought the game with him. I absolutely love it, and I need to get it. The problem is that I need people to play it with and not many people really come over to my place to hang out. So I don’t know if I should bother getting it. He brought some other games to play too, but we didn’t get a chance to play them as his ride was here to pick him up to bring him back to Kitchener.

It’s so nice to be able to go to the mall and feel semi-social again. I’ve been stuck in my house for so long, dealing with panic attacks and anxiety, watching everyone else have a life. It really made my weekend, and I’m continuing to push myself in small steps. Feels good! Thank you Philip for making my weekend, you’re a great friend, and I’m glad to have met you finally.

The Mr. Happy t-shirt Philip got me: