khristopher.com

Sunday June 1st, I got into an argument with my dad at the dinner table. It was due to the fact that he hadn’t showered in over a week, and was smelling really badly. I understand he has a hard time standing up in the shower, but if he can’t take a shower on his own, he should really be getting help with that. I am not going to carry my father into the shower, and my mom isn’t about to either. I don’t know why they don’t look into getting one of those bars installed in the shower, so that he could at least use that to support himself better in the shower. Although, I’m not sure if the building would allow it. Anyway, during this argument I decide it was time to talk to my sisters about the bullshit that goes on in this house, and that I’m not responsible for it, and that not everything that goes wrong with my dad’s health is my fault.

So immediately after dinner I headed straight to my room and picked up the phone and called my sister Kim. I just went straight to it, telling her my purpose for the call, and that I don’t know why she’s not talking to me, when I didn’t do anything wrong. She immediately started to raise her voice, and get mad at me for not helping my dad up and leaving him on the floor when he fell this past January. First of all, if I hadn’t woken my mom up to tell her that he fell, he probably would have been there all night. I did not help get him up though, because I just don’t want to deal with it. It freaks me out to see that shit, and I also have my own troubles. I just don’t want to be that person taking care of their parents when they fall. He only got himself to that point, and he knew he was getting worse for a few weeks.

Anyway, when I told her that I’m going through my own shit, she said that I was psycho, and that I have issues. That I have gay issues. That I’m a faggot. That’s right. My own sister called me a faggot. Well Kim, your faggot brother is not your brother anymore.

It’s really a shame it has come down to this. I was calling her, and she is the one that wasn’t talking to me. I was calling her to stop the childish bullshit once and for all. I was calling her to patch things up and get past all this and come to some sort of understanding. She wouldn’t have any part of it though, and decided to just yell like a little brat and not even let me talk or get one single word on. Then she threatened me if I hung up on her. Not sure what she was threatening exactly though. She seems to think she knows everything that goes on in my house, and then blames me for everything that goes wrong. She even brought up how I didn’t drive her and my other sister Kathy to the airport when they were here last. I told her I can’t drive on highways, that it gives me panic attacks. She doesn’t care though. She hasn’t cared about me for a long time and it really shows. It’s okay, she doesn’t exist anymore.

So I went to my doctor yesterday to get my results from the ultrasound. It turns out that I have no cancer or tumours. However I do have a calcium deposit, which can prove to be cancerous later in life. My doctor offered me to go see a urologist (at least I think that’s what he is), to get a second a opinion and more advice since that is his area of expertise. I’m a bit more relaxed now to know that it’s nothing serious and life threatening, but at the same time, it’s kind of scary that I do have something in me that could turn out to be more serious later on in life.

*phew*

Well I’ve been having pain in my left testicle for a few months now, and I’ve just been ignoring it. It’s like a dull throbbing kind of pain, that just randomly comes and goes. Well it started to happen more often, and the pain seemed to increase a bit, so I decided I should go to my doctor and get it looked at.

She felt them to see if there was any lumps, and said she couldn’t feel anything abnormal. She is sending me to get an ultrasound to check and make sure that everything is okay. It’s scary to think I could have cancer. I wish I had someone to go with me to the appointment today, just for comfort. Going alone is kind of scary. Hopefully it’s not cancer, but if it’s not, then what is it? It’s got to be something. I wouldn’t be having this pain if it were nothing. I am curious if I’m going to find out the results immediately, due to it being an ultrasound, or if they will have to examine it and let me know later. Ahh it’s just so scary! :(

In late 1995 or early 1996 I met someone named Denise. She ended up being a very food friend and best friend for years. Our relationship has kind of changed over the past few years, and we don’t talk or see each other very often at all. It’s unfortunate that I saw her last night under the circumstances which I did.

She had a brother named Johnny who I met when I met her. He was 14 at the time, and looked just like her, only a boy version. He was this cute little kid who always wanted to be around the bigger kids, and he was always happy and smiling. He changed rapidly as he grew older through his teenage years. He quickly sprouted upwards, and his voice changed. He became this giant man in what seemed like the blink of an eye. So to me he wasn’t just a friend of a friend. He was also my friend, but then again he was everyone’s friend. He liked everyone, and got along with everyone. It was rare to see him upset or angry. He had a way of making everyone around him smile.

Last week Denise called me out of the blue at my house. The tone of her voice made me know right away that something was wrong. Johnny had died. He was cliff diving in Hawaii, where he had just moved to in November 2007. I didn’t even believe her when she called, I couldn’t. How could this awesome guy be dead? How did I not get to see him one last time while I could? I can’t even remember for sure the last time I saw him, or where I saw him. I hate that.

While at his viewing last night, it all just felt too surreal. Like it wasn’t really happening. I missed his funeral today, and I feel horrible about it. I just didn’t have the time to go to the mall and buy a shirt, tie and shoes. All of which I didn’t realize I needed except the shoes until last night. At least I got to go to the wake and say goodbye.

Rest In Peace Johnny. You will be forever remembered the way I remember you. An awesome guy with a smile on his face.

Is it a coincidence that today is not only April Fool’s day, but also the anniversary of when I met Johnny? It’s kind of like the joke that is my life. Everything in my life has always turned out to be a big pile of shit. The joke is on me I guess again with Johnny. He won’t respond to any private messages I’ve sent him on a web site that we’re both members of, despite my pleading and begging. I guess 3 years of loving someone and knowing someone for 6 years is a good reason to ignore them. I’m out of options. I’m out of energy. I’m out.

I can’t do this anymore. Johnny if you ever read this I want you to know I’ll always love you. I hope that some day I will see you again.

–

I am a moth who just wants to share your light.
I’m just an insect trying to get out of the night.
I only stick with you because there are no others.
You
Are
All
I
Need.

Lyrics: All I Need by Radiohead

Monday afternoon I decided to do my routine Facebook check, where I see what everyone is up to, look at pictures, etc. As I was going through my news feed, I noticed something that caught my attention. “4 of your friends are now friends with Joey (I’m leaving out the last name intentionally).” My first thought was “Which friends?” My second thought was “Joey? That rings a bell… OH FUCK OFF!” My stomach dropped, my heart started racing, I felt ill. Johnny’s boyfriend finally joined Facebook. I knew the day would come eventually, when I’d see his ugly ass face on there, but I was hoping I’d never have to know. So of course I go to his profile. It’s like the urge to look at a car crash, even though you might see something you know you’ll regret looking at later. Within about 4 seconds of looking at his profile, my eye veers to the left of his profile and my heart skips a beat, and my stomach drops even more. Johnny is also on Facebook! Every once in a while I would search Facebook to see if he was on it, but he never was. And I invited him to it a couple of times last year, but he said he wasn’t interested in it. So then I go to his profile, and the first thing I notice? He’s using my pictures that I took of him on my camera. Pictures which hold memories of us being together. Here he is using them, when I specifically asked him not to before. This upset me and I felt like crying. Whenever I see any pictures of us together or pictures I took of him, it stirs up a lot of emotions. And I start remembering when the picture was taken, and what was happening at the time of the picture. Then I notice today that Joey has commented on the picture of Johnny. I wonder if the picture he knows the picture he loves of Johnny so much was taken by me while we were on vacation together and in love?

Anyway, after that heart attack, I decided to go look at the four friends who had Joey on their friend’s lists. No surprises really there, but I promptly removed them from my friends. There is no way I can be friends with people who would be friends with someone who is such an idiot. Maybe they’re not his real friends, maybe they’re just people he knows online. But oh well, I can’t have any ties to such a person, and I hope those people understand. Joey told me I should slit my wrists, and frankly, anyone that can say that to another human being doesn’t deserve friends, let alone someone as good as Johnny.

Well back in my Khristmas 2007 post, I mentioned that I started talking to someone that had come back into my life again. I was going to post about this earlier, but I just wanted to think about everything that happened with him, before I put it into words here on my blog. Anyway, his name is Iain, and he managed to upset me again.

Despite the fact that he said he wouldn’t hurt me again. Despite the fact that he said no matter what; even if things don’t work out between us in terms of a relationship, we would remain friends. Despite the fact that he knows I have issues and am trying to take small steps to get better. He knows this as he reads my blog, and I think I’ve explained really well in my blog what I’ve been going through lately.

Anyway, he shut me out again, without having a proper conversation about what was going on. He made plans for New Year’s Eve, and didn’t even ask me to be a part of them. I figure if you like someone, wanting to spend that night together to ring in the new year makes sense. He got all crabby on me because I told him that I wanted to see him that night. I admit it was last minute as I didn’t mention anything to him about it until New Year’s Eve. But the real clincher is that he cancelled those plans and made new ones within a couple hours of me asking him about what his plans were. So even after he found out I wanted to be a part of his new year’s celebrations, he still chose not to include me in them. I didn’t bother to have an argument about it or anything, what’s the point? He didn’t even call me either. It was pretty disappointing. Anyway, we didn’t talk about it until a couple days later, when I told him I wanted to talk to him on the phone about how I felt about it all. He wouldn’t even give me 5 minutes to talk as he doesn’t like talking on the phone. I told him he didn’t have to talk to me, just had to listen to what I had to say. I didn’t want things to get misconstrued or taken the wrong way talking over Live Messenger, as I’ve been down that road before with him, and I wanted to avoid it.

He proceeded to inform me that because I’m capable of going to the mall, that I’m capable of working. I didn’t realize he is a trained psychiatrist who can make such a diagnosis. I am definitely not capable of working, and my doctor and disability that is paying me also think the same. I will eventually be able to when I’m back on my feet, but right now, working is out of the question. I’d just end up fired like I was from Bell Mobility. And I don’t want to go down that road until I feel ready to work again. Anyway, that’s besides the fact, it’s just rude and uncalled for. I don’t know why he gets so angry with me. I think it’s his own faults that cause him stress and he takes that out on others. He also said I’m the most passive-aggressive person he’s ever met. Passive-aggressive people will write notes to people or write emails, etc. to avoid face to face confrontation. That sounds a lot like him actually. I much prefer to talk things out in person or on the phone. I am not the type to avoid things at all. I am an Aries, which is the ram. And I’m very much like a typical Aries. I deal with things head on, full steam ahead. I told him that he has no idea what he’s going through, and that he really doesn’t have the right to tell me how I am feeling, or when I’m ready to work, or if I’m sick or not, and he told me that he’s been there and got over it. Well good for him, but I am not him. I have been trying to get help, and get over it for a long time now. I think that he thinks my problems are all because of Johnny, which is definitely not the case. I had this illness before that relationship ended. It started not long after I met Johnny actually. Since 2002 I have had panic disorder, and it’s never going to go away, I just have to learn how to deal with it and manage it. But according to Iain, I should be over it already and working and more normal.

Anyway, the point is that he treated me like garbage. I know he has issues, and I know that I have issues. Everyone does. If he would have just listened and been a little more human and a little bit less robot, then things would have been great between us. I actually liked him more than I realized, and that’s what sucks most, because I thought he felt pretty strongly about me too. Of course, I’ve been down that road before…

The question I keep asking myself, is “would I give him another chance if he came back again?” I really don’t know. He’d really have to make it up to me in a big way. He already did have to make up to me, but yet I felt like I was the one who was trying to make things up to him. He seemed to forget that I was the one giving him a chance, not the other way around.

I just wish he wouldn’t have gotten rid of me again, and at least continued talking to me as a friend. I’ll miss you Iain.

*wak wak*

A year ago I made a blog entry on my old Windows Live Spaces blog about how horrible 2006 was. I said something about how I don’t think things could get any worse, and that I was going to make positive changes to my life in 2007.

Well as the title of this entry suggests, things got worse, much much worse. Also I didn’t make any positive changes, even though I did try repeatedly. Every time I thought I was making a change for the better, I’d hit a wall or go in circles, and end up right where I started.

I lost the most important person in my life. I lost my best friend. I lost another best friend and the person I’ve known longest in my life, besides my family.

I met someone really cool who I thought I had a lot in common with and might finally snap me out of all the horrible shit that’s gone on in my life over the past couple of years, but he ended up causing me more hurt.

I really have to start to wonder, “What did I do to deserve this life?” I think everyone asks that question to themselves at some point during their life. Probably in times of distress, or when going through pain. But seriously, every time I think I’ve found happiness, I end up being hurt worse than I have ever been. How much pain can a person endure? How many times do I have to be hurt until my heart just explodes from the pain?

Already some of the shit from 2007 has carried over into 2008, but I have stopped it dead in it’s tracks. I was not going to start this year off on the wrong foot. This time things will be different and better. If even just a bit better than last year, at least it would be an improvement. I think this is going to be a challenging and scary year for me.

Ready or not, here I come.

Well here we go yet again. Back on medication. I am using the prescription the psychiatrist gave me. I know I need to be on medication right now. I think it will help me out a lot.

I’m pretty sure I’ve taken this medication before. I think it may have possibly been the first antidepressant I’ve ever tried. I didn’t end up staying on it though because the nausea was just way too bad. So far though after a few hours I feel fine. A little tired, but no nausea. I hope it stays that way, because the nausea is the worse part of it for me.

I am starting out at 25 mg and then switching to 50 mg after 7 days. In a month I should hopefully be feeling quite a bit better than I do now. This week has been really bad. Mentally one of the worst weeks of my life. It feels almost like the whole week I was having a panic attack.

I’m a little bit worried about when I do eventually come off of this drug, how hard it might be. It’s not a pill that you can cut up into small pieces to taper yourself off. It’s a capsule. So you can’t exactly cut it up. Oh well, whatever, I’m just concerned about feeling better right now. Hopefully this pill does the trick!

  I have decided to stop eating fast food. Now while some things that count as fast food I probably won’t stop eating, I am going to cut out the majority, or what I consider to be fast food. Places like McDonalds for example are fast food to me. Burger King, Wendy’s, KFC, Taco Bell. Stuff like that. Swiss Chalet, and pizza isn’t quite fast food to me, so for now those places are safe from losing my money.

I’m tired of feeling like garbage, and I know that my diet has a lot to do with it. And my diet consists of a lot of fast food. I’ve been doing a lot better in 2007 as far as eating fast food goes. I’ve been cooking a lot more at home, and buying sandwich meats and stuff like that for when I get a craving for a snack. A homemade sandwich using deli meats is a lot healthier than a Quarter Pounder combo from McDonalds, I think!

So the other night I decided to have my last McDonalds meal. I had a Quarter Pounder combo. The fries were soggy, and they gave me two patties instead of one. I guess they charged me for both too, I was wondering why it seemed pricier than normal.

Next week I think I’ll have my last Burger King combo. Burger King I’m really going to miss. I LOVE Whoppers. But I need to do this. My health is more important.